Jennifer's Story
I was molested in my early teens, and I didn’t think my body was worth anything anymore. I thought that was how I needed to get attention or get “approval” or “feel love”. I was so confused and alone inside. I had absolutely no idea who I really was as a person or what I wanted in life. It was all about pleasing others (men) and not myself. My self esteem was so rock bottom by sixteen years old that I began to take laxatives and became bulimic.
I went through many meaningless physical relationships. When I was 27 I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter who is now 7 years old and amazing. I contemplated abortion. I even made the appointment but did not go through with it. I married her father when she was 4 months old although I did not love him. He was controlling and called me a flake. He threatened to take my daughter away if I tried to leave him. My heart was aching inside for someone to really know the real me and love me and connect with me. But I didn’t even know who the “real me” was. My only joy came from my beautiful baby daughter.
I went through a grueling, long and horrible divorce becoming more bitter and scarred. I began dating someone who immediately wanted a physical relationship. This was the norm for me, and I fell in to the exact same scenario yet again.
Not yet divorced, and dating this new person for 8 months, I became pregnant. I could see my life going down the exact same path, another marriage, another divorce and I panicked. I kept telling myself that I just had to be strong and stick to my guns. I HAD to go through with it. I scheduled it; I ignored every warning sign that God sent my way. I shut out the still small voice in my head saying “wait, please wait”.
On September 6, 2006, I had an abortion. My boyfriend was reluctant but went along with it. But mostly it was my decision. I felt so very numb. I even told the doctor “thank you”. I left the clinic in a daze and then hours later I felt angry. The next day all I felt was relief. I went to work and picked up my daughter feeling great.
Three days after the abortion I hit rock bottom. I frantically called a 24-hour clinic asking them when I could try and get pregnant again after having an abortion. I cried and cried for weeks. I had insomnia for months, and I couldn’t sleep. I would lay in bed exhausted but never sleeping and I would sob. I cannot explain the deep ache I felt in my heart. It was so bad that I couldn’t even function at work. I eventually had to tell my boss what I had done and that I had to quit.
I moved in with my boyfriend and his nine year old daughter with my now three year old daughter. It was like he wanted me there but didn’t want me there. He would eat dinner in another room. He pushed me away when I tried to reach out to him for love and protection. He didn’t know how to protect me. He didn’t trust me. His child was aborted and dead and he was confused beyond belief.
All I could think about was getting pregnant again. I just wanted my baby back. I wanted another chance and so desperately needed to fill the gaping void in my heart and soul. I would constantly tell my boyfriend “why didn’t you stop me? Why?” He would tell me to not talk about it and just forget it. Inside my heart was just screaming “I just want it back!!!”
We continued our physical empty relationship day in and day out; never communicating with each other, just trying to “fill a void”. I became pregnant three months after the abortion with my beautiful and amazing 2 ½ year-old son. I begged God, Jesus, and Mary for a baby boy on my knees every day and with all of my heart. I firmly believe and KNOW that they all heard my desperate plea and Mary, the mother of all mothers, begged Jesus to send me a little boy. A little boy I so didn’t deserve but needed so badly.
During my pregnancy I was happy yet sad. My boyfriend seemed ashamed of the whole thing because his daughter went to a “private Christian” school and he was reluctant to tell her about the pregnancy. After he was born, although my heart and soul were just in awe of my infant son, my boyfriend and I were drifting apart. We fought and I was bitter because he wouldn’t “make an honest woman of me” so to speak. I was trying to heal my heart with our son, but it complicated things even more.
When our son was a year old, I went back to work and moved out of my boyfriend’s house. I just couldn’t take it any more. I couldn’t take being in the same house with someone, sleeping with someone that didn’t even know or care to know who I was.
My son is now 2 ½ years old and nothing has changed. I am afraid that his father and I will forever be mentally split apart. No matter what I try, we don’t communicate. He will stare at me like he wants to tell me something but can’t. He is completely inside himself and will not come out. Even if I threaten to break up with him (which is silly because we’re not really together anyway) he will stare at me and not say a word.
He and I went to a Project Rachel retreat one month after the abortion at the urging of my aunt. It was the most beautiful, holy, SAFE place and I will carry the memories forever. It was extremely healing in that I could explain myself to others who would listen and respond and UNDERSTAND because they had been there too.
Although the retreat was amazing and I am so thankful for it….there is nothing that can undo what is done. Our relationship is ruined I’m afraid. It will never be what it was becoming or could have been.
It is a vicious circle of reaching out and finding nothing to grab on to, and falling again in to a world where there is no trust whatsoever. Nothing concrete or stable. Loss and heartache. Emptiness and seclusion inside yourself. Bitter pain.
This is my experience from an abortion.
